i am tattooed, spectacled, rare and telepathic brand of imported canadian geek, brought to the USA for the express purpose of putting america back on the map.

i am a self professed social experiment in progress.

i have brought flicking nipples and projectile vomiting to the status of an art form.

i often do tai chi while drinking chai tea.

i sometimes construct then immediately demolish crude to-scale replicas of modern engineering models in my cubical using aging fruit, paper clips and a box of kleenex.

i enjoy full contact nude lawn bowling at the local senior center.

once, at band camp i killed a man.

once during a luge event at the winter olympics in calgary, i really let one rip when the luge went by.

i am often accused of being a spy.

i am a spy.

my plans for a hobo house made entirely from shopping carts and old filthy coats has generated quite a buzz in hobotown.

my ability to hurl midgets for sport is awe inspiring.

clowns scare me.

i once streaked a nude beach wearing a full parka and ski pants.

i plan on instituting world peace with an iron fist.

i’m in process of reverse engineering an orange.

when people ask me how i am, i often just say ‘cystic fibrosis’ then stare at my shoes.

while geared up on horse tranquilizers, i can play a wicked game of checkers.

i am, and always will be, white and nerdy.